***Warning – this blog post is a rant – therefore it contains a lot of Yorkshire and a lot of cursing***

This catalogue contains just about every conceivable piece of plastic crap to help you “outsource the work of your body (read movement)*”.  Instead of stating “The Perfect Solution for Every Task in the Home!”, it should perhaps read, “Designed to ensure the gradual decline and eventual immobilisation of your entire body – no movement required, GUARANTEED”.

That’s not to say that for some this equipment might be a necessity. Fine.  BUT for those with average mobility and strength this kind of “…making life easier” bandwagon we all insist on riding leads to even less daily movement.

Consider…

Automatic can openers – why? Because you’ve not used your pandies for owt in a very long time and your grip strength has deteriorated.

“Hands free stirring”, Press and Whisk “Just press down and the head rotates all by itself.” And the multi-chopper for when you just can’t be arsed to use a knife and do it yourself.

The promise of no bending, stretching or reaching.  Again, for those that need it, yep indeedy, but I guarantee that when you do need grabbers to pick something up off the floor you ain’t gonna look like the birds in these images!  Finding it tough to bend, stretch or reach already?  Maybe consider sorting that out before reaching for the super duper foot scrubber.

Shoulder mobility?  Nah, don’t be daft, got me’sen one of them there fossilised-spongy-loofery-thingimibob-doofers.

Need a bit of wiggle room? Maybe your too tight toe box is hurting your tootsies, or that bunion that’s sprouting off the side of your foot is the size of a rugby ball and your big toe is desperately trying to touch your pinky. Not to worry, don’t buy shoes that fit, instead buy these handy little mini stretchers, they’re only £4 for a set of two!

And last, but by no means least, absolutely by no means least, the ARMCHAIR EXERCISER – Keep fit whilst sitting and watching TV… actually I have no words.  Probably a good thing else you might think I’ve developed Tourette’s.

So there we have it, just some of the highlights from your local anti-movement-make-life-convenient-stop-moving-buy-more-shite-plastic-crap-friendly catalogue.  Christ, you don’t even have to go anywhere on your own two legs to buy this rubbish, someone will actually relieve you of your cash on your doorstep and fetch it to you.  What more could you ask for?

The upshot – get off your arse and move because if you don’t then eventually you can’t.

*The phrase outsourcing the work of your body is not my invention (unfortunately, as it really does perfectly sum up the current trend in convenience culture), it’s a Katy Bowman-ism.